Jeffrey is technically my ‘first cousin – once removed’ as he is the son of my first cousin George. But Jeffrey became more like my third son when he lived with us for a couple of months when he was down in Hamilton for some schooling. He charmed us and he wormed his way into our hearts. Both Martin and I love him to bits. But, once during the time that Jeffrey was living with us he did a terrible thing.
You see, I had fully trained my husband to always put the seat down after using the facilities. Then I taught both of my sons to put the seat down after every use. I was quite proud that I successfully ingrained to the males of the household that seat location was a very important part of living with the likes of myself.
Unfortunately it took a momentous event to make me realize that not all males come with this training intact. This occurred one morning – oh, around about 3am. Apparently I did not fully instruct the new sleeping guest at our house that the seat remains down. AT ALL TIMES. The seat had been left up and I awoke needing to avail myself of the facilities and tip-toed to the bathroom. As I sat I discovered the plastic ring that was to keep my assets from connecting with the porcelain was not in it’s proper position. I somehow managed to go from a ‘sitting downward’ position to a ‘leaping upward’ position all at the same time as well as baptizing my own assets.
The best part was when Jeffrey tried to apologize the next morning. He was laughing too hard to make any sort of effective apology. This is the sort of thing that I remember and then try to figure a way to remedy the wrong that had been done to me.
A number of months later Martin and I were invited to attend the wedding of Jeffrey to the lovely Laura and we joyfully attended the nuptials. I decided it would be wise to warn Laura of Jeffrey’s lack of training and thought it best that I do it publicly at their wedding reception.
So I put some new lyrics to an old song and I sang at Jeffrey and Laura’s wedding. I know, I know, I can’t sing, but that didn’t stop me. The song was sung to the tune of Johnny Cash’s Ring of Fire. The band tried to keep up but I was on fire.
With sincere apologies to those who had to listen……
I fell into the toilet when Jeff left the seat up.
I went down, down, down
and the water went higher.
And I splashed, splashed, splashed,
there in the bowl,
there in the bowl,
there in the bowl.